I took this break in writing because I lost myself. I sunk into a pit. I let the Enemy grab a hold of me and I became negative. I became angry. I allowed words to hurt me. I took offense. I felt that those I let into my life were taunting me. "Nothing hurts more than a wound from a 'friend.'"
It is not an enemy who taunts me--
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me--
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you—my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we once enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God. -- Psalm 55:12-14
But now there is that awkwardness of not knowing what to do next. This is an area of weakness that I like to skip over and answer with "C" because "when in doubt, choose C." I'm working on it. I'm not quite there. I'm nowhere near there. Where is there? I think there is being able to confront the issue(s). Some people like confrontation. I'm not one of them. Though in my dreams, I confront like a mad woman! I'm crazy confrontational in my dreams, but not in a good way.
So have I been in the Word? Have I been praying? These are the questions I ask myself when I've got nothing left. Yes and no. I've been catching myself going through the motions...again for the billionth time. I was having some really intimate moments with God. Some real connection moments, and then I let myself get in the way. My actions have said, "I don't need You. I got this," but my heart and spirit have been saying otherwise.
Being intentional has had its moments. I see my reminder every day, screaming at me to BE INTENTIONAL. I'm not always intentional in what I do, but I try. If I mess up, I try again. I mess up every day. Sometimes twice on Tuesday. But what I LOVE about my mistakes, my imperfections is that I receive underserved GRACE. EVERY. DAY. I AM LOVED. "I LOVE YOU." The magnitude of letting those three words sink in is overwhelming. When I feel that others are against me, I need to listen for these words. Those three little words are loaded like a baked potato with all their vegan cheesy goodness smothered with Tofutti sour cream. << YUM! Seriously, you should try it!>> They hold so much power behind them. To hear and feel the words of my Father in the core of my soul brings about a peace, a sense of hope that brings me to my knees.