I often try to do my best, to work hard, to make as few mistakes as possible and just rock. Do you know how hard that is; to keep up like that everyday? It's very hard. It's so hard to act like everything is okay, every day. It's so hard, especially for me, to ask for help. It's so hard...to rely on Him. I don't rely on God as much as I know I should. I measure myself by society's definition of significance and attempt to show how great I am. In that single sentence, there's not even a hint of God there.
I can feel His nudges. I can sense His presence. But yet, I don't let Him take control. I've been trying for so long to have control over my life that it's been almost like an obsession to see what I can make happen. I hear the words my Man speaks to me, "He's got it. He's in control." I nod my head in agreement, while I wonder, "What can I do?"
While reading about Rachel and Jacob, I laughed a little at her, but then sadly realized, I. Am. Rachel.
When Rachel saw that she wasn't having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, ' Give me children, or I'll die!' Then Jacob became furious with Rachel. 'Am I God?' he asked. 'He's the one who has kept you from having children!' Then Rachel told him, 'Take my maid, Bilhah, and sleep with her. She will bear children for me, and through her I can have a family, too.'" Genesis 30:1-3 (NLT)
Rachel was competing with her sister, Leah...FOR HAVING BABIES!! Kind of ridiculous. It's definitely not a competition I would place myself in, but still. Babies. She was trying to validate her life by society's standards of producing sons.
I don't want to be a slave to the thoughts and opinions of the world, but I am. You see how it plays out these days; the latest fad diet/exercise, the latest style, are you keeping up with Downtown Abbey? (No, seriously, are you?) It breaks my heart, but I know it breaks His even more because it becomes about pleasing others or fitting in and not reveling in love and grace.
Back to Rachel. She takes it a step further.
"Give me children, or I'll die!"
Way to go, Rachel. I guess it beats being passive-aggressive in this matter with your man. Really? You're going to die? But think about it. How often do we plead with God saying similar words, throwing a tantrum like our kids? When things aren't going the way I have planned, I start the pleading, "Lord, please help me. Please do MY will." I'm sure that'll get God's attention. "Gimme, gimme, gimme..." Like I tell my kids, "Count to 10 and try again."
But I don't always want to count to 10 and try again immediately. I want the instant gratification knowing that something is done. So like Rachel, I try to figure out a way to get it done. For her, when she couldn't produce a child, she said, "Forget it, God! I'll do it on my own." She took family planning into her own hands, instead of resting in the fact that "God's got it."
You know what I love about it? God lets it happen. He gives us that choice. Easy or hard. It's our choice. She chose the hard road. It takes some valleys and maybe a few tears before I decide to count to 10. I begin to ask for His desires to be mine. I ask for His perfect timing. I ask for His guidance. I surrender.
Don't let yourself get in the way of trying to validate yourself to society. Rest in the fact knowing that you are already validated in Him. In what ways do you try to validate yourself to others?